


Five Ways Max Didn't Kill Ted

by DoctorV



Series: Archive: Doc's Old-Ass Comics Fic (DC, JLU, etc.) [54]
Category: Blue Beetle (Comics), Booster Gold (Comics), DCU, DCU - Comicverse, Justice League, Justice League International (Comic)
Genre: Attempted Murder, Booster Gold's Ass, Conspiracy, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Mind Control, Life Model Decoys, Look At Your Life Look At Your Choices, Partial Nudity, Sue Isn't Pregnant, Unsafe Gun Practices, accidental attempted murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-15 22:54:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14799528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorV/pseuds/DoctorV
Summary: It didn't happen any of these ways, though it could have.





	1. The one where he doesn't miss.

**Author's Note:**

> Archiving some old old OLD fanfic of mine. This was originally posted to LiveJournal 09/28/2006, with the author's note:  
> "Inspired by a comment by apathocles. (Go look, there's Max/Ted comment-fic...sort of.)"
> 
> Unfortunately, the link is no longer active. Sooo...no Max/Ted comment-fic, I guess. Or inspiring comment by apathocles. Bummer.

Looking down at Ted's angry sneer, Max pulled the trigger without hesitation. The gunshot echoed slightly in the large room and a moment later Ted slumped to the floor.

 

"What a waste," Max muttered, turning away and reaching for his radio. He was about to send out a command when a small sound came from behind him.

 

A groan.

 

Max whirled back around just in time to see Ted sitting up. "Ow!" the man complained, then looked up at him and glared. "You _asshole_."

 

Staring at Ted in confusion, Max glanced down at his gun, wondering what the hell was going on. Then he looked at Ted again as the man got to his feet with little awkwardness. It was times like this that Max was reminded exactly _how_ Ted had survived so long as a non-meta superhero.

 

"You _shot_ me!" Ted accused.

 

Eyebrows lifting, Max replied, "You rejected my offer. You said it yourself, 'join me or die time'. You didn't join, so..." He frowned. "Why aren't you _dead_?"

 

Ted stared at him for a moment, looking bewildered. "That doesn't change the fact that you _shot_ me!"

 

"And?"

 

"And?!" Ted spluttered. " _And_ I'm a little _upset_ , you sonuvabitch!"

 

"You wouldn't _be_ upset if you had just died when you were supposed to," Max said reasonably. "And you still haven't said why that is."

 

Ted's expression turned to one of disbelief. "You're kidding, right?" Stepping closer, Ted leaned in and examined Max's face carefully.

 

Leaning back, Max considered shooting the man again. But given how unsuccessful that had been last time, he decided against it.

 

"Have you been _brainwashed_ ?" Ted asked incredulously. "You are! You're completely brainwashed! _Max!_ "

 

Max frowned at the exasperated, chiding tone in Ted's voice. This was...not going at _all_ like he had planned.

 

Meeting his eyes, Ted smiled reassuringly. "I may not be an expert on brainwashing, but I _have_ been around the block a time or two. I'll get you the help you need, don't worry."

 

About to reply that he didn't _need_ help, or maybe try shooting Ted again, Max didn't notice until too late Ted's foot coming up to kick him in the head. Knocked unconscious, Max fell to the floor.

  
"And my suit's _bulletproof_ , Max. You'd know that if you were really yourself."


	2. The one with the light bulb.

A muffled crash woke Max from a doze at his desk. Looking around at how dark it had gotten, he was forced to admit (to himself, at least) that his doze had perhaps been a full-fledged nap.

 

There was a thud soon after, and Max realized what it was that had woken him. Someone (or possibly some _thing_ , given the circumstances) was crashing and thumping around SuperBuddies headquarters after hours.

 

That did not bode well. Not well at all.

 

Looking around for something that could be used as a weapon, Max decided _against_ going up against an unknown intruder with a (fake?) potted...miniature tree thing (that needed dusting). Hoping for maybe a stapler or a laser, he quickly checked the desk's drawers and found, to his surprise, a handgun.

 

Grabbing it, Max cautiously snuck toward the room the sounds were coming from. Now that he was closer, he could hear what sounded like a male voice quietly cursing.

 

Max took a deep breath, steeling himself, wondered briefly if idiotic bravery was contagious, and then flung the door open. Pointing the gun in the general direction of the middle of the dark room, he shouted, "Freeze!"

 

Several things happened then. First, even as he was saying it, Max wondered what the _hell_ had possessed him to shout something so cliche. Then the gun went off with a loud bang and a flash of light that blinded him even more than the dark room already had, followed immediately after by the sound of shattering glass.

 

There was silence for a moment, though a continuous loop of _ohshit ohshit ohshit_ was running through Max's head, then a choking sound.

 

" _Max?!_ " a strangled voice asked in disbelief.

 

Max recognized that voice, and the loop of _ohshit ohshit ohshit_ got louder. "...Ted?"

 

"Wha-wha— _What the hell, Max?!_ "

 

Carefully lowering the gun, Max stared into the darkness and thought absently that it was probably a bad idea to kill a member of one's superteam. At the very least, it was unprofessional. "You okay, Ted?"

 

"Am—What—Where'd you get a _gun_?!" Ted demanded.

 

"It came with the _desk_!" Max retorted. "What are you doing sneaking around in the dark?"

 

"The light burned out!" Ted snapped indignantly. "I was replacing the bulb until you _shot_ it, you psychopath!"

 

"Now Ted, there's no need to resort to name-calling."

 

"I could be having a heart attack!"

 

"Well go have it off the premises, our insurance doesn't cover it."

 

"Your sympathy is underwhelming," Ted growled, then finally moved into Max's line of sight. Specifically, he moved out of the overwhelming darkness filling the room and into the faint light being let in through the open door. In his hand, Max could see the bottom of a light bulb, with jagged points of glass rising up from the metal.

 

Ted gave him an irritated look, then reached over and snatched the gun from him. Tossing the broken light bulb to the side, the hero checked the gun over, then did something to it that caused part of it to drop out. Still scowling, Ted slapped the gun back into Max's hand and stalked past him through the doorway.

 

"Next time check the safety before you go waving a gun around," he advised.

 

Holding up the gun and looking at it, Max resolved to find out which part that was. Then he set the gun aside and hurried after Ted. "How were you changing the light in there, anyway?"

 

Glancing over at him speculatively, Ted pointed to his goggles. "Stylish though they are, I don't wear these babies for fashion. Night vision."

 

"Ah," Max murmured, then threw an arm around the man's shoulders. "Ted, I want to apologize. Sincerely, from the bottom of my no longer existent heart, for any—"

 

"I'm not going to sue."

 

Max let out a relieved whoosh of breath, then smiled cheerfully. "Excellent! Let's get some breakfast. On me."

 

Rolling his eyes, Ted let himself be led out into the very early morning.


	3. The one with a cover-up.

"Rot in hell, Max."

 

Gun pointed steadily at Ted, Max lifted his communicator to his mouth. "Brother, end surveillance in this room." After waiting for the system's confirmation, Max smirked and lowered the gun.

 

"'Rot in _hell_ '?" he asked, amused.

 

Ted grinned back, blood staining his teeth. "I think I've _earned_ a heroic death, don't you?"

 

Shaking his head, Max offered Ted a hand up as the metal encasing the hero's hands fell away. "Just what they need," he said dryly. "A martyr to the cause."

 

Ted snorted, then winced as he straightened. "Ugh, that bitch did a number on me."

 

"Sasha _is_ rather...dedicated," Max replied.

 

"I still don't trust her," Ted told him seriously, removing his cowl and goggles with his good hand. "Batman inspires a disproportionate amount of loyalty. I've never understood it. He treats 'em like crap and they beg for more."

 

Max frowned thoughtfully as he got out the bag of clothes that had been hidden in the room earlier. "You're right," he sighed. "She needs to be tested." He paused as he tossed the bag over to Ted. "I'll have her dispose of your body, then scatter the remains of your Bug."

 

Placing a hand over his heart, Ted said mournfully, "I'll miss the old girl."

 

Max turned away while Ted removed his Blue Beetle costume, and opened a large, hidden panel in the wall. Inside was a life-like replica of Ted Kord. As he dragged it out of its hiding place and over to the area where Ted had bled on the floor, Max could hear Ted cursing softly.

 

"— _broke_ my damn arm," Ted complained. "There's realism and there's overkill, Max."

 

"You didn't want it to look like I went _easy_ on you, do you?" Max replied sardonically, picking Ted's cowl up off the floor and stuffing it on the head of the replica.

 

"No, but did you have to—GOD that thing's creepy! _Jeez._ "

 

Max glanced over his shoulder in time to see Ted grimace and turn away again. "You've seen it before, Ted."

 

"And it was creepy _then_ , too!"

 

"It's a glorified _mannequin_!" Max retorted, rolling his eyes as he continued dressing the lifeless replica.

 

"A glorified mannequin that looks like me and is wearing my costume," Ted grumbled, wincing as he carefully pulled a sleeve on over his broken arm.

 

"And soon it will be a pile of _ash_ that _looked_ like you and _wore_ your costume."

 

Ted stood still for a moment, dressed innocuously in a standard black Checkmate uniform, staring down at what looked like his own dead body. "It's still creepy," he murmured.

 

Glancing up again, Max studied the man's face, then looked down at the replica. "It is," he agreed solemnly, then stood and drew his gun again. "Ready?"

 

Slipping on a pair of glasses, Ted then slicked back his hair with a gel that made it look darker. He took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "As ready as I'll ever be."

 

"Good, stand back."

 

Ted turned and strode away, flinching when he heard the sound of the gunshot. The replica's head had been filled with a fake brain and enough of Ted's blood to make it look real. The sound of footsteps started and got closer, then Max's hand came down on his shoulder.

 

Turning around, Ted carefully kept his eyes on Max and not on the "corpse." Max smiled reassuringly.

 

"It's good to have you aboard, Ted," Max said sincerely. "We're doing something good here."

 

Shaking Max's offered hand, Ted smirked. "I wouldn't have joined if I didn't believe that."

 

Clapping him on the shoulder again, Max gave him a light push toward a hidden door. "You won't regret it."

 

As Ted started down the secret passageway that would take him to the infirmary, he could hear Max behind him, continuing the charade.

 

"...it's _time_ to save the _world_ from _itself_."

  
Ted smiled to himself. Saving the world...that made it _all_ worth it.


	4. The one with the accepted offer.

" _Join_ me or _die_ time, is that it?"

 

"That's it _exactly_."

 

A curse and rejection flew to his lips in an instant, but stalled before they could escape. Was it really worth it? Was it really worth _dying_ for the likes of Batman? Superman? Any of them?

 

Where were they _now_ ? When _he_ needed them. Where had they been earlier?

 

Ignoring him. Putting him on _hold_ when he called for help.

 

What the hell did he owe them that he had to pay with his _life_?

 

Bitterness and anger churned through him, though their target slid from Max to everyone who had ever let him down. Everyone who had _put_ him down. Everyone who didn't believe in him, who thought he wasn't worth the time, the effort, the _anything_.

 

Closing his eyes, Ted bowed his head as the decision resolved itself with crystal clarity in his mind.

 

"You said it yourself, Ted. There are two options here."

 

Ted opened his eyes and slowly lifted his head to steadily meet Max's gaze. Maybe he was making a mistake, because suddenly all he could think of was that saying, "Better to serve in Heaven than to rule in Hell."

 

But what were you supposed to do if Heaven didn't even want you?

 

"I'm in."


	5. The one that isn't real.

It was the Blue Beetle's last stand, futile but heroic. He defiantly stared his former friend and colleague in the face, sneering his disgust and, ultimately, his last words.

 

The hazel eyes of Maxwell Lord narrowed at the refusal, and the sharp retort of the gun echoed in the room.

 

Easy smile and effortless laugh finally extinguished for good, Ted Kord's lifeless body slumped to the floor.

 

"CUT!"

 

Rolling onto his back, Ted groaned, "Tell me we got it that time."

 

"Beautiful!" the director gushed. "Tragic! Heroic! A fitting end—"

 

Glancing up at Max as the director continued, Ted rolled his eyes. "Where'd you find this whacko?" he muttered.

 

"Danny works cheap," Max replied, pitching his voice low enough that the man in question wouldn't hear. "And he was surprisingly eager to take on this project."

 

"I still don't see why I have to _die_ ," Ted complained, accepting Max's hand up. "Or Sue."

 

"I'll be dying too, you know," Max pointed out, holstering the gun and taking his gloves off. "I don't know how you people can wear these all the time, they make my hands sweat."

 

"Sweaty hands are a trade-off for protection," Ted told him, then frowned. "That's another thing, this movie's _full_ of... _errors_."

 

Max raised an eyebrow curiously. "How so?"

 

Motioning to himself, Ted said, "My suit's bulletproof."

 

"Not everyone knows that, Ted."

 

"And you," Ted continued, pointing to him. "Last I checked, you were a cyborg and didn't have your...'powers of persuasion'."

 

"Again, not everyone—"

 

"We keep records on this stuff!" Ted protested. "It's in the _news_ , for god's sake. There are holes _all over_ in this movie."

 

Max rolled his eyes upward in askance and sighed, then turned to face his costumed companion. "Ted, Ted, _Ted_. These days people don't _care_ about things like plot, or continuity. What they _want_ is explosions and a body count. So that's what we're giving them."

 

"Cheap shock tactics," Ted replied.

 

"And that's what sells," Max agreed, smiling widely as he tapped Ted's chest with a finger. "You're a businessman, Ted. I'm sure you understand."

 

"Well I—"

 

"Good man." With that, Max patted him on the shoulder and cheerfully walked off, leaving Ted wondering once again how he'd gotten talked into this.

 

"And it was just _gratuitous_ making Sue pregnant!" Ted called after him.

 

"I'm not pregnant!"

 

Glancing to the side, Ted could see Ralph and Sue wrapped up in each other. Literally, given Ralph's flexibility. The disturbing part was that Sue was still in her make-up from her death scene and looked very badly burned. Not to mention very badly _dead_.

 

"Get a _room_ ," Ted teased, grinning.

 

Sue waved him off, not even bothering to reply. Shaking his head, Ted continued walking. Behind him, he could hear Ralph promising Sue that, for her, he would gladly become a necrophile. And Sue replying that that was gross and disturbing, but very sweet of him.

 

When Ted finally found Booster, his friend was lounging in such a way that Ted could see right up his hospital gown. Covering his eyes with one hand, he said, "Cover your shame, man!"

 

Booster glanced up from the script he had been going over and grinned. "It's more authentic this way."

 

"Oh my god, were you— You weren't wearing _underwear_ during the hospital scene?!"

 

"I have no problem with nude scenes," Booster said nonchalantly as he stood up. "Why should I have a problem flashing a little of this?" Turning his back to Ted, he clapped a hand down on his ass. It wasn't all visible through the back of the gown, but a good portion of it was.

 

Ted rolled his eyes, dropping his hands to his hips. "I'm not being seen in public with you until you put on some pants."

 

"Are _you_ going to?"

 

Looking down at himself, Ted frowned. "I _am_ wearing pants."

 

"Those are _tights_ ," Booster told him, pointing at the man's legs with a smirk. "I'll change if you do."

 

Ted threw his arms up and sighed in exasperation. "Fine, but you're buying the beer."

 

Dropping an arm around his friend's shoulders, Booster grinned at him as they headed for their dressing rooms. "Oh no no, didn't you hear? I'm a _vagrant_."

 

"You married a woman for her money, Booster."

 

"A move that's seeming smarter and smarter every day we film."

 

Chuckling, Ted elbowed him. "I can't believe Max talked us into this."

 

"He's Max. It's what he does."


End file.
